Part 4 - Me n my bonce

So I was kept heavily sedated as I had various tubes helping me breathe, keeping me sedated and something called an NG tube in my nose feeding me! As I obviously couldn't chow down on a cheeky Chinese or dominoes pizza! I also couldn't move! I was completely paralysed, my worst nightmare had come true, all I could move was my left foot slighty and wiggle the fingers on my left hand! The doctors were baffled but after more CT scans could see I had a build up of fluid on the brain which needed to be drained! I wasn't aware of this and to be honest didn't really care, my head was shaved on the front right hand side and an EVD was inserted (sorry cant remember what that stands for, something something drain!) To be honest the next few weeks are a bit of a blur too where I was on something called fentaline keeping me sedated so I didn't pull out the tubes! I kept running a temperature and remember being looked after a student with short blonde hair and very over the top when talking over annunciating every word! (I am actually doing the same whilst typing!) More beeps, you'd think I would have got used to these by now but I never did then a long continual beep, not one I had heard before, was that a flatline? Am I dead? No just my temperature making me think weird things! Next a green sheet of bubble wrap with ice in was laid on me (knew I must have been ill as I had no urge to pop it!) my temperature still wasn't coming down so one was put under me as well as on top my hands were freezing I remember looking down and thinking wow my hand is black, I must have frostbite!!!! No it was actually lots of monitors I was hooked up to and cannulas! Phew! Physio's Jimmy and a lady I kept calling Jackie (her name was actually Tessa, well I had had brain surgery so am just gonna use that as my excuse permanently now! You have been warned!) I had to cough whilst it felt like he was trying to crush my ribs to get all the crap up off my chest! Also a tube in a bag they used to push down my throat for me to cough and then suck up gunk, thats the easiest way I can describe it and is about as sexy as it sounds! My next memory from then is a man called Dr Clem (also seen in 24 hours in A&E) a lovely doctor with a bald head and his tie permanently tucked into his shirt to stop it dangling in anything gross removed the tubes from my throat! Finally I thought, I was with mum and dad again whilst I tried so hard to get everything off my chest with the help of a suction tube (medical term a yankeur, pronounced like the naughty word with a y) but after what felt like hours I was still struggling too much, breathing was hard and it was too dangerous to leave me without anything! I had to consent to an emergency tracheostomy! Well again my poor dad had to sign the consent form! I thought it was a permanent thing and what only people with throat cancer had! But I needed it so it had to be! This is I think my first hallucination well i hope it was anyway! I wasn't completely knocked out and remember all these people in blue around me and saying I ain't doing it you do it! I asked someone to hold my hand again cos I was scared and the doctor moaned at me cos 'he was a doctor not a hand holder!' Well it explained why I kept giving one of the doctors dirty looks after too I suppose!
I remember being looked after by a particular nurse shortly after my tracheostomy was fitted (another hallucination coming up!) I was put in a machine and chopped up, I could hear my nurse talking, why wasn't he putting me back together I thought! Leaving me in this shopping trolley isn't good! Surely my blood was dripping all over the floor he needs to shrink wrap me quickly so I don't spill everywhere! Then I mouthed to him as I had no voice, "hurry up and do something, i'm bored!" this Irish nurse I could not talk to but only communicate by mouthing and lip reading I ended up having quite good banter with and he used to say he bet I sounded like a South London gangster! 'What you saying fam?'
So my brain drain was working removing the fluid build up but talks of a shunt were going on I had no idea what this was and was explained to me that it was a permanent tube from my head to my stomach where I would have to tilt my head back to drain my brain! I think anyway! Gosh that sounded awful but hey if it's gotta be it will be! The drained fluid in my EVD was tested every couple of days, a bug was found! Explained my temperature again! Swabs were sent to the lab and antibiotics were made up for me, according to one doctor ooohh surprised she is on those ones they are really expensive? Well my dear I'm no cheap bird, allergic to penicillin and need them and guess what, they worked!